My universe and the black hole

MY blog about me, hobbies and my battle with depression

Living under the black cloud.

It’s reasonably hard living under the black cloud because you don’t know what the day brings. Good day peace and harmony with your mind with no problems at all but when it starts to go black under the dark cloud of anxiety and depression that’s when it all begins. Your mind starts to play tricks on you and when you give in to the chaos! You don’t know what to believe. For me, I’m glad it happens rarely but still, have the odd attack like one time I caved in because I thought I wasn’t good enough and thought I was going to be put on the side. However, after a few weeks still here! The best thing to tackle this in my experience is meditation and breathe. If your starts to go wondering or your mind trying to trick you, take a moment focus on deep breathing and relax. The moment can be as long as you want but for me an average of five to ten minutes long. So when your mind starts to take a few deep breaths and relax to calm your mind down. Then carry on where you left off.

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Under the black cloud

Yup it has been some time I wrote in this blog. Lets see for most people I am an author of six short stories soon, been in a new job for over half a year and expanding my grounds on photography. Good and I still suffer from depression and anxiety mainly in the social bit. Nope you have misread it. Last year was so turbulent that it has threw me off course. I miss few people and try my best to reconnect. But doesn’t always go to plan. Recently I have been staying up late at night thinking is it worth it! Funny because on 6th march I felt I can take on challenges and had fire in me the determination I use to have. But I Think that has been extinguished now weird is it! So what I am going to do next? Answer don’t know. Maybe I could cut all the negative people whom cant be bothered and save my time spent on them and remove all the fake and tag along people from my circle. Move to a different area since I believe I may have exhausted this area but I have just resettled myself down again. Stop doing things that are not productive and I have taken it as far as I can. Or finish of what my body was doing to me year and half ago! But no I was given another chance. So I better not lose it since the scars remind me of it. Looks like I am in a cycle that only me can break out of it. Think a change is in order and trying to do it is harder than I think it was going to be but would be nice if someone can go inside my brain and suck out the black cloud out. So I will never know what will happen next but I am hopeful that my future could be bright but I will never know where it will might lead!

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Be grateful for your life

I done a course to build my self esteem and track my progress on my depression. It went really well and I admitted I almost took my own life  and overcome my depression daemon that influence my cause, but there was a story I heard during the course which touched my emotions and it reminded me the night I almost died. It sent me into tears however it reminded me ‘I’m  grateful for my life and I’m glad I’m still here.’

The main reason I’m glad I’m still here because I’m able to tell the story and how much life is precious to us all. I don’t know how much of an impact the blog has done so far but, I’m planning to write a story about it on the kindle and release it into the public. Hopefully, it will create awareness from another avenue, since there are never ending ways of creating awareness about mental health illness. Enjoy life and be grateful for it.

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My hypnotherapy 

​I am willing to try anything to sooth my tormented mind from the mental illness i suffer from. That is why I am trying couple of hypnosis apps to see what happens. I must of admit trying hypnotherapy is scary and can be dangerous if not done properly. Also I have done this a few days now and there are a few changes but very little however it’s progress, one more step long the road is going
The apps I trying are

Anxiety and panic relief

Self esteem


Sleep and relaxation

In couple of months time hopefully if I remember I will do a review

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Depression contained!

​For the past few months I have weened myself off the tablets and walking along a path. I do have a few stumbles along the way however I pick  myself back up and continue the path. I have made some sacrifices along the way quitting a few hobbies to make room for self improvement. Cut people off who are wasting time and causing contamination to the progress. People come up to me and congratulate me for defeating the shadow depression daemon but truth speaking in haven’t beat it and never will. It will always be with me and someday it will strike again. It has already striken me several times trying to reclaim my soul from the light. I thought back and kept the shadow contained in a sealed box. How do I keep it under control without the help of medication. It’s easy said than done however I will give a few ideas and tips
Believe in yourself 

Only you control your destiny

Positive thinking

Ignore the negative voices mentally and reality  (other people)
Only you have the positive strength to accomplish what you have set out to do. There will be obstacles along the path, big as a mountain, small as a rock, long as the ocean or  narrow as a trickle of water. With the right mind set all of these obstacles are just temporary and completing them will be achievement to celebrate. 
Yes, this is walking into the sun set with this blog and the posts may get rarer however I’ll try and keep this blog active as long as possible. 
Thank you for reading it. And if you want to look back at any of the posts it’s all sectioned.
Also if you are thinking to come off the medication consult with the doctor first.

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No more tablets

I’m can safely say I no longer needing the depression tablets. Does that mean have I defeated my depression daemon?  How do I do it?
I had to let go of my former self because it was basically corrupted, so I had to rejuvenate myself and start from the beginning.
I learned how to meditate, it’s not just sitting cross legged, closing eyes, fingers on thumb and breath. It’s basically doing that pose, concentrating on your breathing and letting going yourself and drifts into a subconscious mind. Music can help you to focus, for me Indian and wolf related music worked for me, but remember to ground yourself to the floor.
Positive thinking
it can be easy if you allow yourself to do it. Just turning a negative thoughts to positives like

  • It’s too hard = it’s a challenge and a lesson for it will be easier take time.
  • I have fallen = I’m learning to pick myself up and rise again.
  • I can’t achieve anything = I will achieve smaller things to help me progress to the main achievement

Do small things
concentrate on the small things like?

  • Smile
  • Greet people
  • Help people if needed

This will help you grow and makes you feel good.
Enjoy life
you have one shot, enjoy it, love you and believe in yourself.


By the way, I have never answered the question above. Have I defeated my own depression daemon? I’ll let you decide for yourselves.

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A new direction

A new direction and as you probably notice the blog has had a makeover or a face lift. A fresh start and a new direction which is what I’m planning to do. It may involve uprooting and leaving the area since I’ve almost exhausted everything and a shroud of secrecy has been cast into my eyes. However it just may be a big change which may adventure out of the comfort zone. Only one person can make that decision. Me!!! In my mind, I’ve almost exhausted everything or I’ve taken something as far as I can. So, time for a clear out. Out of the old and start something new. Or I could go somewhere else and start a fresh. That will be a real challenge since I will have to build everything from scratch but I will have the necessary skills to do it. However, in my present metal condition, I don’t know what will happen. Or I could allow the depression demon take over, that will be interesting.

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Tablets or no tablets

I have reached to the point, where I have to decide tablets or no tablets. My mental mind can handle two days without them, but I would like to get of them and have a piece of me return to me and not covered up by them. However, I feel like I’m not ready to come of them just yet because there are signs in my mental mind that it has not be fixed or cured yet. I have tried three to four days but I struggle even to get through the day. I even struggle to sleep thanks to the overactive and/or anxious mind. Does this means I’m not safe yet to come off them and need to work on my life?

But there are signs I’m on the mend two days without tablets is quite a big jump. I am planning big things in my life and this one is the most serious one since it affects my health. So, what will it be? Yes or no to tablets?


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Positively pledge

I’ve been going through Pinterest and discovered some pins which was interesting. Pledges and things to do to help you increase your positively.


Also I have started a positivity journal.


Inspiration from Pinterest

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The demon vs me. Update

It has been 1 1/2 years ago since I’ve had been diagnosed and confirmed with depression and anxiety. Unfortunate to say it’s still here with one of us refusing to let the other go and give way. However I have learnt a lot from it. People can influence the demon and make it go on a war path. For example if a person or a party says 092414_2026_Faceyourdem1.jpgor do something to a person who suffers a mental illness, big or small, it could trigger an episode. Voices play and tease your mind saying wrapy thoughts. I try to drown it by playing music or a DVD. I keep my mind occupied with projects, puzzles and mind games. I try to close my eyes and meditate or go to sleep just to rest my mind. However when it runs wild it gets me really down and cannot do anything to stop it. Sometimes I just want to take a gun to my head and shoot the voices out. No I am not suicidal just imagine a squeaky voice constantly talking in your head. But don’t worry I can say there is no gun in the area I am in however if I did shoot myself, people will believe I lost and I have a lot of things to do. I’m hoping this blog will help people with or without the mental illness to understand it because people don’t see it when you look at a victim of mental illness. For example if you have an external physical injury or a broken bone or muscle. You will probably see a bandage or a cast on them. However if a person is suffering from a mental illness, you don’t see it from the outside. Like just observe a crowd of people and answer this question, “Who has got depression?” Without asking them your answer should be along the lines of ‘I don’t know.’ Hopefully this time next year, I would like to write and believe I defeated the demon. However I like to beat it and lead other people into the light.

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