My universe and the black hole

MY blog about me, hobbies and my battle with depression

Living under the black cloud.

It’s reasonably hard living under the black cloud because you don’t know what the day brings. Good day peace and harmony with your mind with no problems at all but when it starts to go black under the dark cloud of anxiety and depression that’s when it all begins. Your mind starts to play tricks on you and when you give in to the chaos! You don’t know what to believe. For me, I’m glad it happens rarely but still, have the odd attack like one time I caved in because I thought I wasn’t good enough and thought I was going to be put on the side. However, after a few weeks still here! The best thing to tackle this in my experience is meditation and breathe. If your starts to go wondering or your mind trying to trick you, take a moment focus on deep breathing and relax. The moment can be as long as you want but for me an average of five to ten minutes long. So when your mind starts to take a few deep breaths and relax to calm your mind down. Then carry on where you left off.

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Free ebook

Happy easter and for your gifts from me free ebooks (not paperbacks) but you have up to easter monday so be quick

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Under the black cloud

Yup it has been some time I wrote in this blog. Lets see for most people I am an author of six short stories soon, been in a new job for over half a year and expanding my grounds on photography. Good and I still suffer from depression and anxiety mainly in the social bit. Nope you have misread it. Last year was so turbulent that it has threw me off course. I miss few people and try my best to reconnect. But doesn’t always go to plan. Recently I have been staying up late at night thinking is it worth it! Funny because on 6th march I felt I can take on challenges and had fire in me the determination I use to have. But I Think that has been extinguished now weird is it! So what I am going to do next? Answer don’t know. Maybe I could cut all the negative people whom cant be bothered and save my time spent on them and remove all the fake and tag along people from my circle. Move to a different area since I believe I may have exhausted this area but I have just resettled myself down again. Stop doing things that are not productive and I have taken it as far as I can. Or finish of what my body was doing to me year and half ago! But no I was given another chance. So I better not lose it since the scars remind me of it. Looks like I am in a cycle that only me can break out of it. Think a change is in order and trying to do it is harder than I think it was going to be but would be nice if someone can go inside my brain and suck out the black cloud out. So I will never know what will happen next but I am hopeful that my future could be bright but I will never know where it will might lead!

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2017 Has Been one of the toughest years and so many lessons learnt. I do miss everyone and I hope our paths will cross again. I would like to thank everyone for their support. Positive side I’ve learnt new things and lessons so hopefully new  challenges and opportunities will be made and taken in the new year. Also made new friends and hopefully more on the horizon. I also been trying to keep updating my pages photography and writing so keep a look out. On the whole 2018 a better version of me, plans have been put in place to keep me on track. Thank you for all your support and guidance and may 2018 brings us good positives vibe, health and relationships. Cheers everyone

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My new path… or island in this case

Yes, it has been a while since my last post, but I have been through a turbulent summer. A lost of a job that I love doing for my customers and colleagues whom over time become friends. It has screwed me over mentally and physically. I nearly went back on the tablets to help escape the grasp of the black hole. It affected everything and put me behind on all projects and social events. It felt like poison seeping through me, and I nearly ended the suffering by taking my own. However, I did not take my life since I am still here typing this post out. And l am not on any medication to steady the unstable ship going into the black storm. Instead, I rode it out. I took my ship and drove it through the eye of the storm and out again. I was a mess but in a better place. How did I do it? I planned my route and stuck to it thanks to the next steps skill and the new tools I learnt self-analysis and swot (strengths, weakness, opportunities and threats) Now my ship crashed on a desert island, it’s time to figure out what I want in life? It starts with the main three spiritually, mentally and physically. I am glad that my spirit and faith kept me going and only needs tweaking. Mentally and physically needs a lot of work. After using the tools again the start of my new life path has been the paved way. Time to stick to it and the plan to get me back how I was before the black hole, the dark storm, grabbed hold of me and started pulling me in.

Also, I like to thank the people who have supported me throughout this time. I will keep in contact. take care.

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Virtual races (fitness resolution)

At this time of year majority of the people will pledge “lose weight, get fit, etc.” and probably by 3 -4 weeks in you give up. For me I sign up to a virtual race, complete it, and the reward is not only a medal for your accomplishment but also you feel Fitter, Healthier and positive. There are two websites I’m using that are UK based which are.


From the USA I recommend this website at the moment


Before signing up read all the information thoroughly, so you will have a rough idea what is install for you. Also, any questions just ask them, since their service is good. So, give it ago, and you will never know this time next year you have recorded a marathon run time, an amazing medal collection, and you feel fantastic with a healthier body.

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Life after British heart foundation my marathon challenge 

​Firstly, thank you to everyone who sponsored me. Secondly, There is life after the challenge, even though I’ve been told ‘take it easy’. I’m taking it easy for while but I have stumbled across a American website, , which sets out virtual races around the world.  Same rules apply just complete the challenge by doing walk, run, swim, cycle or workout. Here I go and complete as many challenges as I can!

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My marathon diary updated

​I’m doing the ‘my marathon’ challenge held by the British heart foundation. So I have decided to keep diary on my progress so here it goes.


Day 1, completed 1.6 miles feeling great that I have surpassed my daily pledge but my legs are feeling it. Guess I’m un fit.

Day 2, done 1.7 miles today which is good and making good progress think my legs are saying something else.

Day 3, it’s raining, I could have a day off since I have made an extra mile but I done 0.7 miles instead just to keep the tally going and use the free days of when I need to.

Day 4 took a day off due to personal problems, back to normal tomorrow.

Day 5 Mind talk starting to set in trying to put me off but manage to fend it off by saying if I can conquer my depression, I can easily beat the challenge.

Day 6 done an afternoon run completing 1.1 miles but think I have got something.

Day 7 all night I had the sickness bug. I had no sleep and I’m completely exhausted. Medical advice was rest up and take it easy about the challenge. I nearly took a day off to rest up and recover but walked the dogs for 0.5 miles to get some fresh air.

Day 8 done another mile walk to see if I can continue with the challenge and I believe I can finish it.

Day 9 had severe cramps in my abdominal area during my mile walk and I don’t know how the dogs got me back home as if they knew I’m in trouble. 

Day 10 & 11 took the whole weekend off to recover properly.

Day 12 I’m on holiday so it’s time to clock up some mileage, but I only done the usual 1.8 miles however it all counts.

Day 13 only done 0.7 miles because the sun is so intense and zapping my energy away

Day 14 I have done a split 3 mile today. The first the usual run followed by a cool down with the dogs which is a good idea and the legs are grateful for it. The other half walk around the farm area and using the beacon as a safety precaution, but the sun is still very intensive and completely drained me.

Day 15 only done half mile because of that sun so rest day for me.

Day 16 it’s cool and perfect.  Done over a mile run and broke my personal best for a mile and a cool down with the slave drivers, the dogs. I have also done another one in the evening and nearly collapse. Good thing the dogs are there to help me out, only got 6 miles left.

Day 17 I have done a run but still having abdominal problems so I’m going to take it easy, even though I have the urge to complete it all.

Day 18 I have done another run but still abdominal problems, however only couple of miles left.

Day 19 finally I have done the ‘my marathon’ challenge but I feel wield because instead being ecstatic, but in pain.

After the challenge I got myself checked out and discover i have gall stones and affecting me badly. So rest up and after the operation maybe I’ll do another one or a different challenge.

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Be grateful for your life

I done a course to build my self esteem and track my progress on my depression. It went really well and I admitted I almost took my own life  and overcome my depression daemon that influence my cause, but there was a story I heard during the course which touched my emotions and it reminded me the night I almost died. It sent me into tears however it reminded me ‘I’m  grateful for my life and I’m glad I’m still here.’

The main reason I’m glad I’m still here because I’m able to tell the story and how much life is precious to us all. I don’t know how much of an impact the blog has done so far but, I’m planning to write a story about it on the kindle and release it into the public. Hopefully, it will create awareness from another avenue, since there are never ending ways of creating awareness about mental health illness. Enjoy life and be grateful for it.

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My marathon challenge 

​It has been a long time I have done a running event. To be honest I cannot remember the last time I have done it except holding a 10k cancer research medal and a small banner. I wanted to skydive but my fitness levels are very low. However, I am hoping to find something to bring my fitness levels up again and to combat the negativity that dwells in my mind. Then, out of the blue My Marathon appeared. At first thoughts that’s impossible but after planning and thinking about it I’m going to give it a go since I have nothing to lose. I’ve started training by using a cardio app, a yoga app and running around the block to start building up the fitness levels and preparing for it ready for the next month. So, please sponsor me by clicking on the link below and help me reach the £300 + marker.

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